Things Asians Do

Asian parents will choose their children’s names from one of two categories, depending on how much home country pride they have. Parents having a strong connection to the motherland will pick authentic Chinese, Korean, or Japanese names which are spelled phonetically in English. Examples of these names are Yufei, Jong-Moon, and Masahiro. Parents wishing for their children to assimilate into the American culture will choose from the category of regular, common Anglo-names, such as Christopher, Allison, Daniel, and Christine. Surnames are also shared to a significant extent, with Kim, Chang, Lee, Park, and Nguyen representing 40% of all Asians. Generic first names in conjunction with the same dozen last names support the theory that all Asians are related, since they all look alike and have interchangeable names.

Parents that choose foreign names may believe that they are giving their child a custom, unique name which will help distinguish them from the other children. This does not actually work in practice, however, because to White people all foreign Asian names sound alike. A short Chinese engineer named Sung-Han eating salt and pepper pork is indistinguishable from the short Korean medical student named Taewon eating galbi.

Parents that choose generic Anglo names do so because they are either Christian or because they want their child to be successful by Western culture standards. Girls named Grace Lee or Faith Kim are deeply involved in their church worship programs and will have long-term, Ivy League, pre-med, Asian boyfriends. For the children given generic names for non-religious reasons, there is no standard life path, although there is a higher risk they will grow up to be like average White people and attend a state university and sell insurance, instead of going to an Ivy League school and working on Wall Street.

When meeting a group of Asians, it is inevitable that you are introduced to someone with a generic name, such as David Lee. To develop instant rapport with the group, simply ask if they know your friend David Lee from Los Angeles/New York. If they do know him, you will gain instant credibility for having an authentic Asian friend. If they do not know him, they will know a different David Lee from one of the two cities, and a good laugh will be had by all about the coincidence. After a few more name drops, you will find yourself at a Korean club giving a soju toast to Michael Wang and Michelle Kim.