Politics are rock-bottom last on the list of things Asians care about. The typical responses when asking Asians what political party they belong to are “I guess I’m a Republican”, or “I don’t know”, or “I didn’t vote at all yet”. Non-Asians might interpret this apathy about the democratic process as just laziness or ignorance, but really it is the natural by-products of the patriotic culture and virtual irrelevancy of politics on Asian life.

Politics and military service are strongly linked in American culture, and Asians are well aware that many politicians have records of serving in wars and thus are lauded for their commitment to the country. White people have a much stronger sense of patriotism in this regard and usually prefer a veteran to a non-veteran. However, Asian people feel the opposite because veterans are from the Korean or Vietnam wars. Asians who have watched Platoon, Flags of Our Fathers, or Apocalypse Now develop a strong distrust of old White people, which are the most politically active demographic and the majority of politicians running for office.

The actual impact of political changes and new legislation on Asians is miniscule, and Asians see politics a tool to solve other races problems, but not theirs. For example, since no Asians live in New Orleans, Asians do not care that Bush botched the FEMA rescue effort during Hurricane Katrina. No Asians are in the military, so they do not care of the Iraq war continues. Few Asians are on welfare, and the only Asians that care about illegal immigration are the Asian illegal immigrants, who cannot participate and vote anyways. Asians are part of the economy and have mortgages like everyone else, but because they have higher credit scores and friends working on Wall Street, they did not get ensnared by the subprime mortgage crisis. To convince Asians to be involved politics, you must highlight the issues that Asians really care about, such as being Asian, interracial dating, and clubbing.

If you are a Democrat and want your normally apathetic Asian friend to vote your way, tell her that Barack Obama is part Asian and he lived in Indonesia, Hawaii, and Los Angeles until going to Columbia. Also mention that John McCain has trouble accepting Vietnamese people and refuses to eat pho or ramen.

If you are a Republican and want your Asian friend to vote your way, tell him that Barack Obama wants to racially integrate Asian clubs to encourage more White and Black people to date Asians so the U.S. will be more harmoniously multi-racial. Under no circumstances should you ever mention John McCain.

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