13) Hide from the Sun

May 18, 2008 at 6:48 pm | Posted in Preferences | 27 Comments

White people cherish the advent of summer which brings warm weather, bright sunshine, and the opportunity to get tan at the beach. White girls especially love getting tan because browning their pale skin makes them look healthier, more relaxed, and vibrant. Asians, however, truly abhor getting tan and sporting darker skin, and will go to great lengths to hide their skin from the sun by staying indoors, using sun umbrellas, and exclusively applying SPF 45+ sun block.

There are two reasons Asians do not like getting tan. The first reason is that White standards of beauty are highly regarded among Asian girls. The darker their skin becomes, the less attractive they will appear to White males and the less chance they will mistaken for a half-Asian, which is the highest compliment an Asian girl can receive. The second and more important reason is that very tan Asians are mistaken for the allegedly inferior (and much tanner) Asian nationalities of Southeast Asia, such as Thai, Vietnamese, or Cambodian. East Asians that become tan will significantly eliminate their educational, career, and height advantages over the other Asians with just a few hours running outside or playing basketball. It is a well-known fact among Asian college students that pale Asians get significantly more job offers than tan Asians, all else being equal.

This strong preference for whiter skin can be most easily observed when Asians meet in groups at infrequent intervals, such as at birthday parties or reunions. The first observation made will not be about someone’s new clothes, haircut, or glasses, but about how tan they have become. Jokes about being Mexican and finally being able to date Vietnamese girls will soon follow, along with side-by-side forearm skin tone comparisons. When you are with a group of Asians that are outside in the sun and talking about skin tone, do not commit the faux pas of mistaking the tannest one for a Southeast Asian nationality. Instead, just ask to borrow their SPF 45 sun block and mention that your skin burns easily. By doing so, the Asians will feel good about being naturally darker and that they are more resistant to the sun than White people.

12) Bag on Sandra Oh

May 3, 2008 at 3:05 pm | Posted in Conversations, Preferences | 19 Comments

Sandra Oh, the Korean-American actress of Grey’s Anatomy and Sideways fame, is considered by Asians to be the defining benchmark for unattractiveness. Her small eyes, shapeless body, and androgynous features combined with her success in Hollywood are a constant subject of controversy. Asians are bewildered by her popularity among non-Asians, because they believe any rational person without a preference for only dating Asians cannot find her remotely attractive.

This polarization of opinion on Sandra Oh is useful for both psychiatrists and the U.S. Census Bureau. “Do you think Sandra Oh is good looking?” is the standard question for clinicians to ask Asian males to determine insanity level. If the Asian answers in the affirmative, three burly men will storm the room and haul off the patient for immediate tranquilization. The same question is posed on the U.S. Census bureau survey to determine whether a mixed-race Asian should be counted as White or Asian – people with affirmative answers are counted as White, and people with negative answers are counted as Asian.

This knowledge can be used to prevent awkward situations with Asian girls. Upon meeting an Asian girl that resembles Ms. Oh, never mention the similarities between them, as this is an extremely grave insult. Instead, compliment her by saying she “looks a lot like Lucy Liu”, who also has small eyes, but is taller, slimmer, and is considered to be the paragon of Asian beauty by White males.

N.B. She was on People’s 50 Most Beautiful People list in 2005, considered to be as attractive as Jessica Alba, Mischa Barton, and Eva Mendes.

11) Give generic names to their children

April 28, 2008 at 8:17 pm | Posted in Habits | 8 Comments

Asian parents will choose their children’s names from one of two categories, depending on how much home country pride they have. Parents having a strong connection to the motherland will pick authentic Chinese, Korean, or Japanese names which are spelled phonetically in English. Examples of these names are Yufei, Jong-Moon, and Masahiro. Parents wishing for their children to assimilate into the American culture will choose from the category of regular, common Anglo-names, such as Christopher, Allison, Daniel, and Christine. Surnames are also shared to a significant extent, with Kim, Chang, Lee, Park, and Nguyen representing 40% of all Asians. Generic first names in conjunction with the same dozen last names support the theory that all Asians are related, since they all look alike and have interchangeable names.

Parents that choose foreign names may believe that they are giving their child a custom, unique name which will help distinguish them from the other children. This does not actually work in practice, however, because to White people all foreign Asian names sound alike. A short Chinese engineer named Sung-Han eating salt and pepper pork is indistinguishable from the short Korean medical student named Taewon eating galbi.

Parents that choose generic Anglo names do so because they are either Christian or because they want their child to be successful by Western culture standards. Girls named Grace Lee or Faith Kim are deeply involved in their church worship programs and will have long-term, Ivy League, pre-med, Asian boyfriends. For the children given generic names for non-religious reasons, there is no standard life path, although there is a higher risk they will grow up to be like average White people and attend a state university and sell insurance, instead of going to an Ivy League school and working on Wall Street.

When meeting a group of Asians, it is inevitable that you are introduced to someone with a generic name, such as David Lee. To develop instant rapport with the group, simply ask if they know your friend David Lee from Los Angeles/New York. If they do know him, you will gain instant credibility for having an authentic Asian friend. If they do not know him, they will know a different David Lee from one of the two cities, and a good laugh will be had by all about the coincidence. After a few more name drops, you will find yourself at a Korean club giving a soju toast to Michael Wang and Michelle Kim.

10) Show off European boyfriends

April 24, 2008 at 7:10 pm | Posted in Desires | 7 Comments

Asian girls will try to obtain the wealthiest and most attractive mates that are willing to commit to them for the long-term. Race, however, is a significant factor that can have a larger effect on a mate’s attractiveness that is greater than the effects of wealth and social status.

Some races are preferred over others, and Asian women will strive mightily to elevate their racial dating level. Even within the Caucasian category there are preferences, and non-Americans are preferred over Americans. The highest level is a foreign-born European with an accent. Asian girls will try to obtain these prize catches by vacationing or studying abroad in Spain, Italy, or France. Dating a European is considered to be a once in a lifetime opportunity by Asian girls. After the relationship is over, many hours will be spent dreaming about the blissful summer with Pierre in Paris, talking walks along the Seine.

The opposite of a European boyfriend is a foreign-born Asian. The reaction of Asian girls when presented with this possibility is the same reaction people have when considering eating leftover food out of a trash can. An Asian girl relegated to dating on this level is either in a life-threatening situation or in an arranged marriage.

Extremely advanced Asians are able to date Black men, and the highest achievement within this category is dating an Ivy League educated Black man working on Wall Street, like Kwame Jackson. Such catches are considered to be “diamonds in the rough”, and once an Asian accomplishes this there are no other goals remaining in life worth working for.

To gain the respect and friendship of an Asian girl that is dating a European or Black man, ask her what her parents think of the relationship. If her parents approve, she can show how liberal and Americanized her family is. If this is the case, say how modern her parents are and that your cousin is dating a South African that loves Bulgogi. If her parents do not approve, she can show how strong and independent she is by dating him against her wishes. Either way, she can show off her best qualities while asserting her superiority to the other Asian girls.

9) Not care about politics at all

April 21, 2008 at 9:37 pm | Posted in Cares | 5 Comments

Politics are rock-bottom last on the list of things Asians care about. The typical responses when asking Asians what political party they belong to are “I guess I’m a Republican”, or “I don’t know”, or “I didn’t vote at all yet”. Non-Asians might interpret this apathy about the democratic process as just laziness or ignorance, but really it is the natural by-products of the patriotic culture and virtual irrelevancy of politics on Asian life.

Politics and military service are strongly linked in American culture, and Asians are well aware that many politicians have records of serving in wars and thus are lauded for their commitment to the country. White people have a much stronger sense of patriotism in this regard and usually prefer a veteran to a non-veteran. However, Asian people feel the opposite because veterans are from the Korean or Vietnam wars. Asians who have watched Platoon, Flags of Our Fathers, or Apocalypse Now develop a strong distrust of old White people, which are the most politically active demographic and the majority of politicians running for office.

The actual impact of political changes and new legislation on Asians is miniscule, and Asians see politics a tool to solve other races problems, but not theirs. For example, since no Asians live in New Orleans, Asians do not care that Bush botched the FEMA rescue effort during Hurricane Katrina. No Asians are in the military, so they do not care of the Iraq war continues. Few Asians are on welfare, and the only Asians that care about illegal immigration are the Asian illegal immigrants, who cannot participate and vote anyways. Asians are part of the economy and have mortgages like everyone else, but because they have higher credit scores and friends working on Wall Street, they did not get ensnared by the subprime mortgage crisis. To convince Asians to be involved politics, you must highlight the issues that Asians really care about, such as being Asian, interracial dating, and clubbing.

If you are a Democrat and want your normally apathetic Asian friend to vote your way, tell her that Barack Obama is part Asian and he lived in Indonesia, Hawaii, and Los Angeles until going to Columbia. Also mention that John McCain has trouble accepting Vietnamese people and refuses to eat pho or ramen.

If you are a Republican and want your Asian friend to vote your way, tell him that Barack Obama wants to racially integrate Asian clubs to encourage more White and Black people to date Asians so the U.S. will be more harmoniously multi-racial. Under no circumstances should you ever mention John McCain.

8) Escape to the Motherland

April 18, 2008 at 6:54 pm | Posted in Desires | 7 Comments

When Asians become disappointed and frustrated with their life in the United States, they start planning to move to their ancestral country. Commonly stated reasons to move are to get back in touch with their culture, relearn the language, take advantage of better work opportunities, or to start a business. These reasons however, are hiding the true motivation to move from their homeland – the inability to obtain the affections of Asian girls that meet their standards at home, and the Elysian bars, clubs, and cafes filled with attractive local girls.

An Asian expatriate’s desirability rises significantly in Asia as compared to the original level of attractiveness in the States. The increase in attractiveness is comprised of two effects, one absolute and one relative. The absolute effect comes from the doubling in purchasing power given the same nominal salary, and the potential to give a highly coveted spousal visa to a local woman who desires to move to the U.S. The relative effect comes from being taller, dressing better, and having nicer skin than the local males. The rough rule is that an Asian ranked 3.5 in the U.S. will improve to a 7.5 in China, with the same increase in average attractiveness of his dating pool.

It may appear that these Asians are giving up on the dating scene in the United States, but they are just taking advantage of the differential in well-being between countries. Non-Asians also frustrated with their experiences at home will also move to Asia, Brazil, or Eastern Europe for the same reasons. When meeting one of these future expatriates, never ask him about the real reason why he moved, because you will bring up painful memories of the last girl that rejected him. Instead, always say how much their accent will improve and be amazed at the money they will save living over there. In return, they will let you stay at their apartment for free when visiting them and also introduce you to girls much more attractive than you are used to.

N.B. Shortly after American Idol, William Hung was spotted in Hong Kong signing autographs at the Mandarin Hotel before climbing into a limousine with Maggie Q.

7) Ninja Dating

April 15, 2008 at 10:18 pm | Posted in Habits | 10 Comments

Males of all races fear the awkwardness and embarrassment of asking someone out on a date because of the stigma of rejection. Furthermore, even if successful in obtaining the first few dates, the man must overcome the risk associated with achieving official dating status by asking to define the relationship, at which point the woman will say she just wants to be friends or will accede and say yes. A non-Asian male will manage this risk directly by making it obviously clear to the woman their romantic intentions from the very first conversation. Asians males, however, prefer a stealthy, indirect approach called Ninja Dating, which eliminates the risk of rejection prior to obtaining official dating status.

The following tactics of Ninja Dating work together to generate maximum surprise and confusion towards the ninja’s true intentions. If the tactics are successful, the target will end up in a relationship with the ninja without ever having the chance to reject him.

Disguised Infiltration: Operating under the camouflage of friendship, a ninja dater will invite the target to casual one-on-one dinners after work to “catch up” or “just hang out”. The dinner together will be identical in all respects to a normal group of friends activity, except that there will only be the ninja and the female.

Shadow Ambush: To progress to more serious dating activities, a ninja will surprise the target by inviting her to implied group outings to Broadway shows, romantic comedies, or barbeques at the beach. However, upon getting to the venue, the rest of the group never shows up and the romantic outing coincidentally becomes just the ninja and the target, who does not suspect the subterfuge. In addition, the ninja will begin to flirtatiously touch the targets arms, give shoulder massages, and stroke their hair with friendly compliments.

Smoke Bomb Escape: If there is little progress towards goals or the target suspects romantic intentions and impending rejection is inevitable, a ninja dater will abruptly stop calling and disengage from all communication. Infiltration of the next target, who is usually a friend or roommate of the original female target, will commence immediately without any of the usual problems associated with pursuing a close relation.

An unsuspecting female target has no chance against an experienced ninja dater, because the female’s natural power in determining the status of the relationship cannot exercised if the relationship is ambiguous. The correct strategy to deal with a suspected ninja dater is to use his own tactics against him. Take advantage of the opportunity by pursuing multiple potential relationships with many ninjas simultaneously, getting the maximum amount of free dinners, shows, and gifts. Because the time spent with the ninjas are not officially dates, but just good times between platonic friends, a female can get all of the benefits dating multiple people without acquiring a promiscuous reputation.

6) Discuss fantasy martial arts battles between Asian actors

April 13, 2008 at 9:33 pm | Posted in Conversations | 3 Comments

Asians sitting around drinking beer will eventually start discussing hypothetical match-ups between Jet Li, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Lee. A proponent of an actor will use grossly inaccurate statements as “evidence” of his superiority to the other two. Examples are that Jet Li was the Chinese martial arts champion in 1998, Jackie Chan is not just an actor but really knows how to fight, and that Bruce Lee did 2000 one-hand pushups in a row. For further amusement, a myriad of interesting situations will be analyzed, such as fighting with swords, nunchucks, or under the influence of alcohol.

This conversation is extremely inspiring for Asians to talk about, because they are reminded that they are perceived as capable fighters, at least in movies and television. However, if White people are involved in the conversation, they will ask why none of the winning UFC fighters are Asian. The best response for Asians, because it cannot be disproved, is to say that if Bruce Lee was alive, he would win with speed and technique over significant size and strength differences. Trying to argue over this point is fruitless, as doubting Bruce Lee to Asians is the equivalent of questioning Martin Luther King Jr. to Black people or Mickey Mantle to Yankee fans. The only polite way to exit the conversation is to say that Enter the Dragon was his best movie, and to point out that his girlfriend was White.

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