12) Bag on Sandra Oh

May 3, 2008 at 3:05 pm | Posted in Conversations, Preferences | 21 Comments

Sandra Oh, the Korean-American actress of Grey’s Anatomy and Sideways fame, is considered by Asians to be the defining benchmark for unattractiveness. Her small eyes, shapeless body, and androgynous features combined with her success in Hollywood are a constant subject of controversy. Asians are bewildered by her popularity among non-Asians, because they believe any rational person without a preference for only dating Asians cannot find her remotely attractive.

This polarization of opinion on Sandra Oh is useful for both psychiatrists and the U.S. Census Bureau. “Do you think Sandra Oh is good looking?” is the standard question for clinicians to ask Asian males to determine insanity level. If the Asian answers in the affirmative, three burly men will storm the room and haul off the patient for immediate tranquilization. The same question is posed on the U.S. Census bureau survey to determine whether a mixed-race Asian should be counted as White or Asian – people with affirmative answers are counted as White, and people with negative answers are counted as Asian.

This knowledge can be used to prevent awkward situations with Asian girls. Upon meeting an Asian girl that resembles Ms. Oh, never mention the similarities between them, as this is an extremely grave insult. Instead, compliment her by saying she “looks a lot like Lucy Liu”, who also has small eyes, but is taller, slimmer, and is considered to be the paragon of Asian beauty by White males.

N.B. She was on People’s 50 Most Beautiful People list in 2005, considered to be as attractive as Jessica Alba, Mischa Barton, and Eva Mendes.


6) Discuss fantasy martial arts battles between Asian actors

April 13, 2008 at 9:33 pm | Posted in Conversations | 3 Comments

Asians sitting around drinking beer will eventually start discussing hypothetical match-ups between Jet Li, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Lee. A proponent of an actor will use grossly inaccurate statements as “evidence” of his superiority to the other two. Examples are that Jet Li was the Chinese martial arts champion in 1998, Jackie Chan is not just an actor but really knows how to fight, and that Bruce Lee did 2000 one-hand pushups in a row. For further amusement, a myriad of interesting situations will be analyzed, such as fighting with swords, nunchucks, or under the influence of alcohol.

This conversation is extremely inspiring for Asians to talk about, because they are reminded that they are perceived as capable fighters, at least in movies and television. However, if White people are involved in the conversation, they will ask why none of the winning UFC fighters are Asian. The best response for Asians, because it cannot be disproved, is to say that if Bruce Lee was alive, he would win with speed and technique over significant size and strength differences. Trying to argue over this point is fruitless, as doubting Bruce Lee to Asians is the equivalent of questioning Martin Luther King Jr. to Black people or Mickey Mantle to Yankee fans. The only polite way to exit the conversation is to say that Enter the Dragon was his best movie, and to point out that his girlfriend was White.

1) Self-Extol Non-Redness While Drinking Alcohol

April 5, 2008 at 8:27 am | Posted in Conversations | 4 Comments

When Asians get together, the subject of drinking is frequently brought up during conversations. Usually this involves a recap of the most recent outing at a club (predominantly Asian) and discussions about who was dancing with whom, how hot the go-go dancers were, and who was the most drunk out of the group.

How do Asians gauge their level of drunkenness? Besides the universal sign of hitting on less-than-good looking members of the opposite sex, Asians have their own race-specific telltale of showing significant redness of the face. Something along the lines of “You’re face was really red last Saturday at the club, were you really that gone?” is inevitably said by one Asian to another during the discussion about the night out.

At this point, the one Asian in the group who does not get red-faced at all while drinking will proudly exclaim -“I never get red when drinking” implying that the non-redness is evidence of genetic superiority or the product of dedicated effort to develop a tolerance. Then the other Asians will tacitly acknowledge his superiority with questions about whether he drank a lot in college, has the anecdotal alcohol absorbing enzyme, or is part-white.

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