11) Give generic names to their children

April 28, 2008 at 8:17 pm | Posted in Habits | 8 Comments

Asian parents will choose their children’s names from one of two categories, depending on how much home country pride they have. Parents having a strong connection to the motherland will pick authentic Chinese, Korean, or Japanese names which are spelled phonetically in English. Examples of these names are Yufei, Jong-Moon, and Masahiro. Parents wishing for their children to assimilate into the American culture will choose from the category of regular, common Anglo-names, such as Christopher, Allison, Daniel, and Christine. Surnames are also shared to a significant extent, with Kim, Chang, Lee, Park, and Nguyen representing 40% of all Asians. Generic first names in conjunction with the same dozen last names support the theory that all Asians are related, since they all look alike and have interchangeable names.

Parents that choose foreign names may believe that they are giving their child a custom, unique name which will help distinguish them from the other children. This does not actually work in practice, however, because to White people all foreign Asian names sound alike. A short Chinese engineer named Sung-Han eating salt and pepper pork is indistinguishable from the short Korean medical student named Taewon eating galbi.

Parents that choose generic Anglo names do so because they are either Christian or because they want their child to be successful by Western culture standards. Girls named Grace Lee or Faith Kim are deeply involved in their church worship programs and will have long-term, Ivy League, pre-med, Asian boyfriends. For the children given generic names for non-religious reasons, there is no standard life path, although there is a higher risk they will grow up to be like average White people and attend a state university and sell insurance, instead of going to an Ivy League school and working on Wall Street.

When meeting a group of Asians, it is inevitable that you are introduced to someone with a generic name, such as David Lee. To develop instant rapport with the group, simply ask if they know your friend David Lee from Los Angeles/New York. If they do know him, you will gain instant credibility for having an authentic Asian friend. If they do not know him, they will know a different David Lee from one of the two cities, and a good laugh will be had by all about the coincidence. After a few more name drops, you will find yourself at a Korean club giving a soju toast to Michael Wang and Michelle Kim.

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7) Ninja Dating

April 15, 2008 at 10:18 pm | Posted in Habits | 10 Comments

Males of all races fear the awkwardness and embarrassment of asking someone out on a date because of the stigma of rejection. Furthermore, even if successful in obtaining the first few dates, the man must overcome the risk associated with achieving official dating status by asking to define the relationship, at which point the woman will say she just wants to be friends or will accede and say yes. A non-Asian male will manage this risk directly by making it obviously clear to the woman their romantic intentions from the very first conversation. Asians males, however, prefer a stealthy, indirect approach called Ninja Dating, which eliminates the risk of rejection prior to obtaining official dating status.

The following tactics of Ninja Dating work together to generate maximum surprise and confusion towards the ninja’s true intentions. If the tactics are successful, the target will end up in a relationship with the ninja without ever having the chance to reject him.

Disguised Infiltration: Operating under the camouflage of friendship, a ninja dater will invite the target to casual one-on-one dinners after work to “catch up” or “just hang out”. The dinner together will be identical in all respects to a normal group of friends activity, except that there will only be the ninja and the female.

Shadow Ambush: To progress to more serious dating activities, a ninja will surprise the target by inviting her to implied group outings to Broadway shows, romantic comedies, or barbeques at the beach. However, upon getting to the venue, the rest of the group never shows up and the romantic outing coincidentally becomes just the ninja and the target, who does not suspect the subterfuge. In addition, the ninja will begin to flirtatiously touch the targets arms, give shoulder massages, and stroke their hair with friendly compliments.

Smoke Bomb Escape: If there is little progress towards goals or the target suspects romantic intentions and impending rejection is inevitable, a ninja dater will abruptly stop calling and disengage from all communication. Infiltration of the next target, who is usually a friend or roommate of the original female target, will commence immediately without any of the usual problems associated with pursuing a close relation.

An unsuspecting female target has no chance against an experienced ninja dater, because the female’s natural power in determining the status of the relationship cannot exercised if the relationship is ambiguous. The correct strategy to deal with a suspected ninja dater is to use his own tactics against him. Take advantage of the opportunity by pursuing multiple potential relationships with many ninjas simultaneously, getting the maximum amount of free dinners, shows, and gifts. Because the time spent with the ninjas are not officially dates, but just good times between platonic friends, a female can get all of the benefits dating multiple people without acquiring a promiscuous reputation.

5) Wide Eyed Poses

April 11, 2008 at 6:33 pm | Posted in Habits | 13 Comments

Asian girls with large eyes are considered to be much more attractive than Asian girls with small eyes. Men place such a high premium on cute, large eyes that this one trait can compensate above and beyond other shortcomings, such as body type, skin quality, and personality. However, unlike the latter traits which require concerted, disciplined effort over time to improve, eye size can be easily increased in pictures with minimal effort.

When posing for a picture an Asian girl will hold her eyes as wide as possible, angle the head down, and look upwards into the camera held from a high angle. The combination of these three effects causes her eyes to look much larger than the normal, everyday eye size. Doing this equalizes their attractiveness to the level of naturally large eyed Asians. If the girl is extremely talented at wide eyed posing, it is almost possible to reach the attractiveness of a Hapa girl.

If you are a non-Asian posing for a picture with Asian girls, the first instinct is to imitate them and consciously open your eyes and angle your head down too. However, this is not recommended because widening your naturally large eyes makes their artificially wide eyes look much smaller in comparison. Instead you should squint slightly while looking below the camera, so that the Asian eyes are larger than yours. Doing this will make the Asian girls feel good about themselves when they see the picture, and they will take you out clubbing in gratitude.

3) Make Chopstick Stands

April 8, 2008 at 6:50 pm | Posted in Habits | Leave a comment

Whenever a group of Asians are eating at an Asian restaurant, it is inevitable that at least one of them will make a chopstick stand out of the paper chopstick wrapper. The stand is constructed after ordering food but before the food arrives at the table.

This pre-emptive unwrapping accomplishes two things, both of which Asians like. The first is maximum eating efficiency by eliminating the time spent unwrapping the chopsticks after the food is placed on the table. The second is that it gives them something productive to do while waiting for the food, slightly assuaging their natural impatience.

Non-Asians who make chopstick stands will immediately have elevated status with the Asians in the restaurant, including the management. There are even documented cases of White people making the chopstick stand and speaking a few words of Chinese (Ni hao) receiving free rice, tea, and oranges.

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