13) Hide from the Sun

May 18, 2008 at 6:48 pm | Posted in Preferences | 27 Comments

White people cherish the advent of summer which brings warm weather, bright sunshine, and the opportunity to get tan at the beach. White girls especially love getting tan because browning their pale skin makes them look healthier, more relaxed, and vibrant. Asians, however, truly abhor getting tan and sporting darker skin, and will go to great lengths to hide their skin from the sun by staying indoors, using sun umbrellas, and exclusively applying SPF 45+ sun block.

There are two reasons Asians do not like getting tan. The first reason is that White standards of beauty are highly regarded among Asian girls. The darker their skin becomes, the less attractive they will appear to White males and the less chance they will mistaken for a half-Asian, which is the highest compliment an Asian girl can receive. The second and more important reason is that very tan Asians are mistaken for the allegedly inferior (and much tanner) Asian nationalities of Southeast Asia, such as Thai, Vietnamese, or Cambodian. East Asians that become tan will significantly eliminate their educational, career, and height advantages over the other Asians with just a few hours running outside or playing basketball. It is a well-known fact among Asian college students that pale Asians get significantly more job offers than tan Asians, all else being equal.

This strong preference for whiter skin can be most easily observed when Asians meet in groups at infrequent intervals, such as at birthday parties or reunions. The first observation made will not be about someone’s new clothes, haircut, or glasses, but about how tan they have become. Jokes about being Mexican and finally being able to date Vietnamese girls will soon follow, along with side-by-side forearm skin tone comparisons. When you are with a group of Asians that are outside in the sun and talking about skin tone, do not commit the faux pas of mistaking the tannest one for a Southeast Asian nationality. Instead, just ask to borrow their SPF 45 sun block and mention that your skin burns easily. By doing so, the Asians will feel good about being naturally darker and that they are more resistant to the sun than White people.

12) Bag on Sandra Oh

May 3, 2008 at 3:05 pm | Posted in Conversations, Preferences | 20 Comments

Sandra Oh, the Korean-American actress of Grey’s Anatomy and Sideways fame, is considered by Asians to be the defining benchmark for unattractiveness. Her small eyes, shapeless body, and androgynous features combined with her success in Hollywood are a constant subject of controversy. Asians are bewildered by her popularity among non-Asians, because they believe any rational person without a preference for only dating Asians cannot find her remotely attractive.

This polarization of opinion on Sandra Oh is useful for both psychiatrists and the U.S. Census Bureau. “Do you think Sandra Oh is good looking?” is the standard question for clinicians to ask Asian males to determine insanity level. If the Asian answers in the affirmative, three burly men will storm the room and haul off the patient for immediate tranquilization. The same question is posed on the U.S. Census bureau survey to determine whether a mixed-race Asian should be counted as White or Asian – people with affirmative answers are counted as White, and people with negative answers are counted as Asian.

This knowledge can be used to prevent awkward situations with Asian girls. Upon meeting an Asian girl that resembles Ms. Oh, never mention the similarities between them, as this is an extremely grave insult. Instead, compliment her by saying she “looks a lot like Lucy Liu”, who also has small eyes, but is taller, slimmer, and is considered to be the paragon of Asian beauty by White males.

N.B. She was on People’s 50 Most Beautiful People list in 2005, considered to be as attractive as Jessica Alba, Mischa Barton, and Eva Mendes.

4) Not being attracted to Black women

April 9, 2008 at 6:54 pm | Posted in Preferences | 37 Comments

(A typical Thursday night at the apartment – Beyonce’s newest music video appears on the television in the living room)
Asian male #1: “Do you think Beyonce is hot?”
Asian male #2: “No, not really. I mean, I can see how she is pretty, but I’m just not attracted to her, you know?”
Asian male #1: “Yeah, I know what you mean, I’m the same. She has a great body and nice face, but I don’t really feel it. What about Tyra Banks?”
Asian male #2: “Ugh! Not at all. The face does not do it for me.”
Asian male #1: “Maybe we’re genetically wired just to find Asian and White women attractive?”
Asian male # 2: “Perhaps. Let’s go watch The Scorpion King. I can never get enough of Kelly Hu.”

It is a universal rule that Asian males cannot be attracted to Black women. There are two theories explaining this phenomenon. The first is that Asian males are not exposed to Black girls during middle and high school, and therefore do not have the experience to properly appreciate the beauty of Black women. The second, and probably more credible theory, is that Black women rarely find Asian males attractive, and thus it is a simple case of Asian males preferring women that they have a non-zero probability of obtaining, which is the efficient use of their dating effort.

This is an extremely touchy subject to broach around Asian males. However, to defuse the potentially ruinous consequences of the subject, just say that you really liked the movie Romeo Must Die and that Aaliyah was great in it. This serves as a reminder that there are Black women that find Asian men attractive. However, to obtain relationships with them requires successful life-saving situations using martial arts.

2) Hate on the Midwest

April 6, 2008 at 7:42 pm | Posted in Preferences | 3 Comments

Asians feel most comfortable in environments where there is a proportion of at least 15% Asians to non-Asians. Ideal environments for Asians are Southern California, New York City, and any Ivy League or non-southern engineering-heavy university. The 15% proportion ensures that Caucasians are rudimentarily aware that there is another class of races with black hair besides Blacks and Hispanics, and thus are somewhat culturally sensitive.

However, the one part of the United States which does not satisfy the 15% rule is the Midwest. Asians living in the Midwest are analogous to Jews living in the West Bank. True, there are some that live there, but you can be sure that most want to get out and move somewhere else as quickly as possible.

“It’s okay, not great” is the standard response of an Asian living in the Midwest when asked by Caucasians how they like live living there. A dislike of Chicago is quite unbelievable to Caucasians who love the city for precisely the same reason why Asians do not – the absence of minorities, especially in the Caucasian dominated wealthy areas of which Northside Chicago is the epicenter for the entire Midwest. There are also vocalizations of urgent desires to move to California or New York to be with family or to join their classmates working in finance.

N.B. This behavior is not present in Midwestern Asian girls (commonly attending Northwestern) who prefer to date Caucasians and enjoy significant elevated attractiveness to men due to their localized scarcity value.

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